when i saw the cloud, i prayed for fortitude. i stood silent and watched the as lightning blew a temporary hole in its darkness, as it irradiated the black mass in the distance. for 20 minutes, i was mesmerized, following the flashes of brilliance as they bounced across the sky. its girth cloud hung across the horizon, setting the earth below ablaze with its quick and sharp luminescence.
it reminded me of watching my favorite childhood movie, ‘the neverending story’, fearing the nothing as it rolled across the screen, its darkness swallowing everything in its path. i understood its emptiness, felt it inside myself, the dark swath of barren sky that wouldn’t cease devouring everything it touched. it has planted in my heart, steadily growing, choking my happiness from the inside. it feeds on fear, gulping my insecurities and anxieties, steadily growing until the void feels like it touches every corner of my soul.
the waiting is a nothing. it sucks my strength, drains my energy, overwhelms me. it rolls up silently, seamlessly, surging like a wave, then plunging down and over every inch of my being. it leaves me cold, shivering, and mournful, rewinding moments repeatedly in my mind, with the lost hope for a different outcome that isn’t possible. i can’t shake the betrayal, the pure deconstruction of my heart that guarantees that everything has changed, and nothing will be the same.
my only hope are those dazzling flashes, the instantaneous moment when what appears to be lifeless and bleak is penetrated by grace, bursting with luster and warmth. in those instances, i can see beyond the desolate plains of my empty heart, remember its echoing drumbeat when it knew love, lighting up my soul as it if it were in a hurry to burn. it torches tiny fractions of the nothing, slowly fighting back, daring for the tiniest opportunity to find hope. daring for the chance to become radiant once more.